i have an obsession with music and the people behind it....i think it is quite frankly the most beautiful thing humans can partake in. I just wanted to list some artists I listen to and love ^__^:




 david gray, coldplay, U2, journey, alphaville, depeche mode, muse, stateless, cee-lo green, gary jules, lauryn hill, eryka badu, india arie, maxwell, breaking benjamin, three days grace, rammstein, a day to remember, green day, system of a down, my chemical romance, amos lee, damien rice, ben harper, ray lamontagne, the xx, mike snow, matt and kim, metric, the limousines, cage the elephant, carolina liar.



the spill canvas, does it offend you yeah?, lykki li, florence + the machine, enya, enigma, wale, tupac, notorious big, goodie mob, hollywood undead, graffiti6, godsmack, 30 seconds to mars, flyleaf, evenesence, fiest, corrine bailey rae, adele, bloc party, lcd soundsystem, mgmt, kid cudi, common, mos def, jill scott, disturbed, yeah yeah yeahs, bass hunter, atreyu, tegan and sarah, the killers, the gaslight anthem, jay-z, chris brown, kanye west, rick ross, death cab for cutie, the postal service, out kast, one republic, phoenix, radiohead, red hot chili peppers, regina spektor, the red jumpsuit apparatus, paramore, owl city, brand new, all american rejects, the used, blink 182, alive, seether, theory of a deadman, nickleback, norah jones, new found glory, moby, dj tiesto.



deadmau, missy elliott, match box 20, silversun pickups, maroon 5, linkin park, keane, the fray, imogen heap, frou frou, lifehouse, snow patrol, 3 doors down, the beatles, la roux, k' naan, kelly clarkson, katy perry, justin timberlake, john mayer, jack's manequinn, dir en grey, afi, hoobastank, gorillaz, franz ferdinand, fantasia, eve 6, incubus, eminem, daft punk, citizen cope, clipse, ciara, buju banton, bob marley, stephen marley, damian marley, sizzla, arcade fire, lemon jelly, robin thicke, alicia keys, rise against, rage against the machine, one day as a lion, the script, senses fail, royksopp, carrie underwood, shinedown, snoop dogg, sublime, switchfoot, fall out boy, panic at the disco, the temper trap, apocalypica, slipknot, drowning pool, thom yorke, thiving ivory, train, vampire weekend, massive attack, p!nk, one republic, black eyed peas, chevelle, ryan adams, thievery corporation, the academy is, the air borne toxic event, band of horses, local natives, santigold, beck, ben folds, the big pink, the paper tongues, the black keys, the prodigy, yoshida brothers, the white stripes, the cure.



blonde redhead, bon iver, iron and wine, the bravery, cocconut records, cold war kids, ingrid michaelson, interpol, the ting tings, this providence, tokyo police club, trapt, papa roach, dope, micheal jackson, the cribs, passion pit, girl talk, jupiter one, pit bull, peter bjorn and john, kasabian, dashboard confessional, the kooks, dirty projectors, white rabbits, weezer, yeasayer, the zutons, wavves, we the kings, we are scientists, jet, the kills, sheryl crow, hot chip, hot hot heat, the von bondies, ludo, hellogoodbye, the last goodnight, the strokes, spoon, manchester orchestra, anberlin, never shout never, all time low, doug e fresh, sick puppies, skillet, ok go, van morrison, the shins, friendly fires, flaming lips, arctic monkeys, explosions in the sky, flobots, a fine frenzy, amy winehouse, augustana, blue october, cake, collective soul, cranberries, david bowie, the decemberists, dido, dave matthews band, my morning jacket.



fanfarlo, foo fighters, fiona apple, gavin degraw, goo goo dolls, howie day, gnarles barkly (cee-lo green again), jack johnson, james blunt, jason mraz, colby caillat, lenny kravitz, k.t. tunstall, kings of leon, the kinks, lily allen, modest mouse, nirvana, no doubt, gwen stefanie, o.a.r, oasis, sarah bareilles, plain white t's, sara mclachlan, phil collins, perl jam, madonna, third eye blind, tracy chapman....ok LET ME STOP....GOT A BIT CARRIED AWAY...that's just a sample of what I listen to...i have many many more dude ^____^ music=life

     Left my dad's house a couple months ago...had a horrible argument and once again, on horrible terms with him.....im finished with him. Any way since then i've met someone and i'm in a relationship.  The guy is pretty damn sweet and all, but not my type in a way. He fell hard for me and I'm trying to let him grow on me...i spend weekends over his house...been pretty fun.  I'm still working on my depression and impulses to burn my arm...he knows about all of this and still wants to be with me....which is why I'm trying to give him a chance...he tells me he loves me...and it feels good to hear that.

     Other than my new boyfriend and worthless father...i have also started school this summer at tech...planning to transfer.  There is a problem with that though....I just CANNOT concentrate AT ALL in class and it's killing me.  It's causing me to feel hell of a lot worse, bc i'm used to straight A's and now i can barely get through the day. I might withdraw until i get all of my meds in line and my counseling in order.  I've been trying to do better...but it feels futile...my bf sometimes takes it personal when i don't seem that happy....that kinda pisses me off bc it seems he can not comprehend the disorder. Anywho i'm trying not to give up...i'm trying to hold on.

Ps. as you can see....ive gone somewhat blonde...it was compulsive

"Serenity is when you get above all this, when it doesn't matter what they think, say or want, but when you do as you are, and see God and Devil as one." 

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted." 

"To love would be an awfully big adventure."

"Love never reasons but profusely gives; gives, like a thoughtless prodigal, its all, and trembles lest it has done too little."

"I am lost, and I rejoice in the openness I cannot decide where to go, so for now, I will dance where I am and be. There is no goal, no destination, just wilderness and life and being. I sing and dance and live in the wilderness, and I am home"

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

"Let me be, was all I wanted. Be what I am, no matter how I am."

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." 

1.What's your favorite Dr. Seuss book?
Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?

2.If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?

Dr. House's place...YAY

3.What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
uhm uhm uhm...a few days...and before those days I wasn't getting much sleep anyway...landed me in the hospital bc I had a horrible hallucination attack.

4.What's your favorite Barry Manilow song?

I'm ashamed to say.....wh-whaat...don't have one

5.Who's your favorite Muppet?

that shrimp lookin thingy (pepe) 

6.What's the habit you're proudest of breaking?

cutting...

7.What's your favorite Web site?

anywhere that can hold my attention

8.What's your favorite school supply?

laaaaaptop

9.Who's your favorite TV attorney?

geesh...neeeext

10.What was your most recent trip of more than 50 miles?

Port St. Lucie...visiting my Dad

11.What's the best bargain you've ever found at a garage sale or thrift store?

This cool antique chain purse from like forever ago...GOT IT FOR A BUCK

12.Where were you on September 11, 2001?

4th grade class lookin up at the tv....actually cried when i found out

13.What's your favorite tree?

Bonzai

14.What's the most interesting biography you've read?

Edgar Allen Poe's....LOOOOOVE him

15.What do you order when you eat Chinese food?

egg rolls...and some type of saucy meat

16.What's the best costume you've ever worn?

never really worn one..

17.What's your least favorite word?

pussy.... ew...unless you are talking about a person's character or an actual cat...otherwise..yea, ew...hate it

18.If you had to be named after one of the 50 states, which would it be?

Arizona...or Dakota..without the "North or South"

19.Who's your favorite Care Bear?

the one who doesn't make me gag....OH...I guess that means NOT-A-ONE

20.Describe something that's happened to you for which you have no explanation.

A lot of people call me white...

21.If you could travel anywhere in Africa, where would it be?

where there isn't war or homicidal tribes...just sayin

22.What did you have for lunch yesterday?

ice cream...i shit you not

23.Where do you go for advice?

a shrink

24.Which do you use more often, the dictionary or the thesaurus?

neither

25.Have you ever been snorkeling? Scuba diving?

too scared of fiiiish

26.Have you ever been stung by a bee?

NOPE

27.What's the sickest you've ever been?

when i found myself talking to snakes in my bed...referring to the hallucination attack

28.What's your favorite form of exercise?

yoga...if i could successfully do it

29.What's your favorite Cyndi Lauper song?

WHOO?!

30.What did you do for your 13th birthday?

probably regretted it...such a cynical child hehehe

31.Are you afraid of heights?

it all depends...if i'm on a roller coaster..NOPE..Grand Canyon...hell yes

32.Have you ever taken dance lessons?

for an african dance thingy...

33.What's your favorite newspaper?

not-a-one

34.What's your favorite Broadway musical?

LION KING

35.What's the most memorable class you've ever taken?

biology 10th grade...i swear my teacher was a bonafide pervert! 

36.What's your favorite knock-knock joke?

OH GAWD I HAAAATE KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES

37.What's your favorite commercial?
oh oh oh oh at the moment...the new doritos commercial where the guy sucks the left over cheese crumbs from another guy's finger and says "mmmm cheese!"

38.If you could go to Disney World with any celebrity alive today, who would it be?

JOHNNH FREAKIN DEPP

39.Do you prefer baths or showers?

Showers

40.Does your chewing gum lose its flavor on the bedpost overnight?
uhm..i'm going to have to go with..wha- no, hell no

41.What's your favorite breakfast food?

crepes 

42.Who's your favorite game show host?

Alex Trebek

43.If you could have a super power, what would it be?

to like do EVERYTHING awesome..

44.Do you like guacamole?

only when it's in the form of Doritos...(guacamole flavored doritos)

45.Have you ever been in a food fight?

no..simply no

46.Name five songs to which you know all the lyrics. (Better yet, sing them.)

the scientist, and i still haven't found what i'm looking for, come together, wakka wakka, adam's song

47.What's your favorite infomercial?

Why would I have a favorite infomercial?!?

48.What's the longest you've ever waited in line?

like 2 hours for a ride at 6 flags

49.What's on the cover of your address book or day planner?

don't have one

50.Have you ever taken a picture in one of those little booths?

yep...and i always hate how i look

when i think upon it....i mean i do have ambitions in life.  I do want to live my life to the fullest and i DO want to be happy...i sooo want to really be happy.  I don't want to be defeated like this..but it's getting harder to fight.  I just need help along the way....i'm sick of feeling like this, and with this recent dramatic weight i feel on me....it's really hard to see the light that everyone says is there. I don't want to just waste away with nothing to show for in life....i have big dreams..i want to be someone.....i want to live.  The thing is...there is this one side where i am sooo hopeful...and my more aggressive hopeless side.  I sit and i dream...then i crumble that thought and sit back and cry.  Some people can handle things so well and i envy them so much...i feel so weak and spineless.  I just don't quite know how to explain my mentality.  I'm quite confused...lost.....

I don't want to accept this depression...i don't want to be defeated...this is not how i picture my life.  I guess it's just a long hard road...i just have to gather enough spunk.  I don't think i'll really lose ALL hope for a better life, i want it waaay too much.